Stronger Than This
by DarkDefender89
Summary: Olivia has two secrets. When tragedy strikes and she falls in love, who will be there to tell her that Simon is the wrong man? Or is he really the right man? Read to find out...& REVIEW if ya want ch7
1. Chapter 1

_"Call me."_

_Olivia hesitated for a moment._

_"It can be kept a secret…"_

_"I'm not good at keeping secrets," Olivia said._

_"Call me at 6 p.m tomorrow. I know it's hard."_

It was hard. She was one of the good ones. She wasn't supposed to be feeling this way. She wasn't supposed to be falling in love. Olivia stared at the silver mirror and barely recognized the reflection that was gazing back at her. It was 6 p.m. Already. Olivia shivered. When she closed her eyes she remembered her past; she remembered who she was, why he was _who_ he was and not someone different and it could be completely okay. She hated that she was a product of rape. Beneath closed eyelids was the image of her drunken mother hurling an empty bottle of vodka at her. The glass shattering into tiny, broken pieces. The tears in a skinny girl's eyes still adjusting to the nights her mother would transform into a monster. Remembering those days made her want to slip into oblivion. The desire to slip in her old habits that she had long abandoned was strong right now. She didn't need this now.

She called his number. "Simon?"

"Are you coming, Liv?" Simon's voice was warm, intoxicating. Olivia wanted to. Every inch of her body wanted to, but she knew it was wrong.

"I don't know if I can. I….I shouldn't." Olivia couldn't hide the hesitation in her voice. She closed her eyes again and remembered the time when she had protected Simon from the FBI. She remembered what it felt like to be run over by her own…_half _ brother… and the relief in finding out that it wasn't actually Simon who attempted to murder her.

"Are you still there, Liv?"

Olivia breathed into the phone. She didn't know what to say.

Simon spoke again. "No one knows we're siblings, Liv. No one knows."

Finally Olivia spoke. "Elliot knows. Cragon knows."

"Half, Olivia. _Half_ siblings."

"It doesn't make it any less wrong, Simon."

"Liv…"

"Listen, Simon…I think….I think I feel the same way….but its wrong. It's just _wrong_."

The unspoken words were thunderous. _I love you. I love you so much I'd break the law to be with you. _Would she?

Olivia's buzzer went off. It was Elliot, which meant a victim was found.

"I have to work, Simon. Elliot just called me. A body was found in a dumpster behind an old club."

"Will you call me tomorrow?"

"Maybe."

Olivia hung up and grabbed her badge and drove to the crime scene. She was in cop mode now. She channeled her emotions and her anger into productive energy. On the job there was logic…there was reason…and eventually…usually…there was truth. The dead don't know how to lie. Even when the perfs try to lie for them by tampering with evidence, eventually the bodies always find a way to tell the truth.

Elliot was already there. She could tell by the look in Elliot's eyes that this wasn't good. This was worse than usual. Olivia looked down at the body and was shocked. She was pale, emaciated…bones sticking out…but that wasn't the most shocking. Her breasts were cut off. It looked as if she had been raped, as well. The body was drenched in blood and her face was cut up.

Elliot and Olivia took the evidence they needed from the scene, securing the samples in plastic bags. Back at the police station they looked through a list of missing persons to try to identify the victim and start searching for perfs. Hopefully this one wouldn't be a serial killer/rapist. If he was, hopefully they would catch him before he struck again.

Olivia sighed. It was torture looking at innocent faces lost for no reason. A raving madman was still out there and there was nothing they could do because forensics analyzed the lab results yet and there were no known witnesses.

Then the phone rang. There was another victim. A skinny, blonde female again. The only difference was, this time she somehow managed to escape. Olivia and Elliot drove to the hospital the victim was currently admitted in.

Olivia walked over to the doctors in charge of the victim. Showing them her badge, she asked the victim's name. Hailey.

"Is it okay if Detective Stabler and I go into Hailey's room now?"

"Sure," the doctor said. "She's still weak, though, and probably won't be in the mood to talk yet."

According to the doctors, the perf had slashed Hailey's breasts. SVU ordered a rape kit to determine if rape occurred.

It was 4 a.m. Olivia wasn't even tired. Finally back at her apartment, she didn't want to sleep or eat and she suddenly remembered Simon. She tried to stop thinking about Simon. Was there anything she could do to get rid of these feelings?

Oh yeah. She thought back to her old habit. She had stopped for good years ago. It had been, what…eight years now? But it was so tempting. And it would take the pain away. It would stop her from thinking about Simon. Okay. She would do it, just one more time. She slowly walked into the kitchen and eyed at the shiny silver knife on the counter, mocking her. It wanted her to start cutting again. No. She wouldn't give into the urge. She was stronger. _Stronger._ But she gave in. The urge was strong, too. As strong as she was. There was no knowing which would win.

Olivia rolled up her sleeve. With her right hand she grab the knife and gashed the inside of her left arm, watching the blood roll down her flesh. The relief felt so good. She dug in deeper but then forced herself to stop. She let the knife fall to the ground and she leaned against the kitchen sink. She reached for a washcloth and held it to her arm. She watched the washcloth fill up with crimson red. She sat down and sighed. For now, everything was alright.


	2. Chapter 2

When Olivia woke up, she was leaning against her kitchen counter, drenched in sweat

When Olivia woke up, she was leaning against her kitchen counter, drenched in sweat. She had a momentary lapse in memory, but then she remembered. She remembered what she did and she was furious at herself for reverting back to her old habit. _I won't do it again_, she told herself. _I can't slip into this again. I have to focus on the job. _Olivia pulled herself up and looked at the clock. It was 5:30 a.m….too early to go to the precinct, but she was always there early, anyways, and besides, it would take her half an hour to get ready and there was a murderer on the loose anyways and Olivia was desperate to put him away for good.

After getting dressed, Olivia drove to the precinct. When she looked out the window all she saw was a clear sky, but it didn't make sense. Nothing made sense. The leaves of the trees were swaying back and forth so peacefully but how could the world be so serene and content when there was so much evil in the air? This case was getting to Olivia. The last one had been bad enough, but chopping off a poor girl's breasts? What sort of pathetic lunatic would do such a thing? Why torture someone? Isn't rape torture enough?

Olivia turned on her radio to drown out the silence. She told herself that everything was alright. She would catch the son of a bitch before he caused any more damage

sosososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososo

**2 hours later**

The precinct was busy…there wasn't a third victim yet, but it was only a matter of time. The darkness was everybody's secret; it was always dark before the end but somehow no matter how dirty or repulsive the crime there always would be an end. There had to be. Eventually, they would have to close the case. It would be easy to say that they got the bad guy every time, that the good guys win because God is on their side…right? But the hard truth is that it is never that easy. It is never that easy. Sure, good guys win. Sometimes. But all of the time? No way. _Only in the movies._

Olivia pulls at her sleeves and thinks about the red stains. No one will notice. She will put on her strong persona. She does not wasn't to be seen as weak. "Are you ready, Liv?" Elliot asks. It was time to start the search for the evil rapist. Sure, she was ready. She could never be more ready. "Are you ready, Elliot?" Olivia asked back. She was teasing him. They always teased each other, but they cared about each other, and when they were running after dirty-haired scum it was like the whole world had disappeared and they were the only ones there. To this effect, sometimes their words came out in perfect unison. Sometimes. But that was who they were, right?

They drove to the morgue to get the results of the rape kit and find out who the perp was this time. The whole way there, Olivia was silent. She hoped that Elliot didn't see through her façade. But, as usual, he noticed that something was up.

"Are you alright, Liv? You seem quiet today."

"I'm fine, El," Olivia said, and it wasn't really a lie, because she did feel fine.

"Are you sure?" Elliot asked.

Olivia nodded. She listened to the gentle hum of the car engine and wondered why things were the way they were. She was in cop mode now; she wasn't thinking about Simon or whether or not she was going to call him later. There was always Elliot; he was like a brother to her. There was a time when she wondered whether or not she had feelings for her partner….she knew that she couldn't live without him. The way they spoke in unison, the way they could always sense when the other was in trouble, the way he was always there for her….but then she realized that what she and Elliot had, it was something way stronger than romantic-crap. It was sort of like the kind of bond that twins shared, only, they weren't twins. The relationship between a brother and sister is so much stronger than the relationship between a husband and a wife. Siblings, they were bound by blood. It almost made sense, the way Olivia felt about Simon. And she would even almost understand it instead of being afraid of it if every time she was around Simon her pulse rate didn't elevate. There's a difference between love and lust, right? Why do rapists do what they do? How can they find _pleasure_ in it? How?

When the car came to a stop Olivia forced herself to stop drowning in ambivalence and got out of the car. Cop mode again. This was the only way she could save a life. It wasn't about her. It wasn't supposed to be. 'Stop thinking about Simon and Elliot. Stop.' So she did.

Olivia walked into the morgue and listened to the mortician analyze the death of the dead rape victim. According to the rape kit, the woman was indeed raped. The DNA and Spermicide indicated that the man who raped two women, killing one of them, was Damien Trist.

sosososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososo

Back at the precinct, a rape kit was being done on the live victim, Hailey Wylliss. Titula and Much were dealing with it until Olivia and Elliot arrived. A nurse had come in to help with the proceedings.

Soon enough, the door opened. Olivia and Elliot were back.

"How is she?" Olivia asked, rushing over to the scene.

"She's been through a lot," Munch said. "Thank goodness you're here."

Olivia kneeled down so she was at eye-view with Hailey. "How are you feeling?" Olivia asked.

"Not so good," Hailey said. Her voice was barely a whisper.

"Do you think you can remember who did this to you?" Olivia asked.

Hailey nodded.

"Could you give us a description? We have sketch artists that can recreate his features so we can identify him, and then we can place him in a line-up," Olivia said, using the gentlest voice possible. She knew how hard it was. She knew how much torture Hailey must be in. It almost killed her, knowing that there were people out there that could be so cruel. And that her father was one of them. _She had half of his genes._ She hated it, just hated it, that she was a product of something so evil. And that was why she is who she is, doing all she can, just to stop it. Prevent it from happening again. But it was still happening.

Suddenly Olivia felt the urge to cut coming on. The pain was just too much to bear. Seeing her own blood made her feel real, alive, human. It wasn't really that it took the pain away. Sometimes, it did. Most of the times, though, it made the pain feel more real and justifiable. It intensified the pain; allowed the pain to grow so she could actually feel. The worst thing was to be numb. That was the worst. But pain, it makes a person stronger. It propels a person forward, and helps with the growth process. _What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger._ And there was beauty in that. There was always beauty from pain. Always…as long as you find a way to channel the pain and use it to shape yourself and make the world a better place for other human beings.

Olivia listened to Hailey's description of the man who raped her. _Dirty blond hair. Messy. The bastard didn't even bother to brush his hair. Tan skin. Tall, around 6'._

"Do you remember what he was wearing?"

"Um…yeah," Hailey said nervously. "He was wearing blue jeans and a green shirt. There was a hole in his shirt."

"Thank you," Olivia said. "That's it for now. We'll call you once we find out more information. We'll probably need you to come in to pick him out of a line-up."

Hailey nodded and stood up to leave.

Once Hailey left, Olivia headed over the bathroom. 'Just one more time,' she told herself, 'and then I won't do it again.' But inside she knew, that at least for now, she needed it again. She needed to bleed.

"Where are you going?" Elliot asked.

"Bathroom," Olivia said as she walked out the door.

It was dangerous, doing it here where anyone could catch her. But she was careful. Just a small nick on the thigh with the razor blade inside her pocket. She watched the small amount of blood drip down her thigh and then she reached for the paper towel dispenser to wipe away the evidence. This whole thing could be invisible. _Just invisible._

sososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososos

Once Olivia was safe at home where she was sure no one could hear her, she dialed Simon's number. She stood on the cold pavement outside of her apartment listening to the sound of the falling rain.

"Simon?"

"Olivia!"

"Did you decide yet?"

"My apartment. 20 minutes. Make sure no one sees you."


	3. Chapter 3

"The pain changes you...

"_The pain changes you. As you breathe in, it becomes a part of you. As the words seep through your veins, they become a part of your blood. Eternally, they will be a part of you. This is a story that will never end. Over time, the edges might fade. The lines between right and wrong – between truth and fiction – become blurred, and even though you are Leilani, you are someone else too. It is in your blood now, and you cannot change it."_

_ -Excerpt from Calliope Sylvers' (me) future novel called "After Loving Adam"_

**Chapter 3**

Olivia stood on the edge of her bed. Facing the mirror, she did not like who she had become. _She was hard on the outside, but inside her spirit was screaming to be released. She wanted to feel – she wanted to cry for all of the people who were victimized the way she had been when she was only seventeen – but she couldn't. Was it enough, to try her hardest to prevent it from happening enough? Was it enough, to console the victims and tell them that everything would be alright one day; that if they testify, it might help make everything be okay…ease the pain a little bit, to know that they were helping to put away the sorry bastard that ruined their lives for ever? Would it really help? Was it really enough? Was Olivia's job really making a difference? Was her sacrifice worth it?_ Looking in the mirror, Olivia felt the desperate urge to cut tugging at her veins. It crawled up her bones and made her shiver. She had to resist. This time, she did. She resisted because her half-brother, Simon, would be there in about ten minutes. Olivia closed her eyes. She pulled her almost black hair behind her back and scratched her neck with her finger-nails. It didn't help. Her nails were too short. But it didn't matter; she was Olivia, special victims' unit detective, and she was strong. _'I am stronger than this.'_ But inside she feared that she wasn't. It was her biggest secret in the world. _She wasn't really Super Woman. She only pretended to be. She put on a hard face, because it was the only way to survive and still do her job. And, well…it was a job that had to be done._

Olivia sat down and stared at her reflection. She closed her eyes. 'It's okay to forget for a while,' she told herself, 'indulge in something forbidden. Be human.'

Olivia pulled off the formal jacket she wore on the job and went to the bathroom to wash her face. The cool water splashing on her face was rejuvenating. She rubbed the orange face soap across her skin and watched the grime from the day receding. Olivia turned the silver facet and watched the water come to a stop. She smiled. Any minute now, Simon would be here.

Olivia put a silk black nightgown and the bathrobe that came with it on. She closed the lights in her bathroom and made a subtle exit. She walked down to her kitchen. There was fear in her eyes. Once she started this, she couldn't change her mind. She couldn't go back. _So yeah, there was fear in her eyes. But there was excitement, also. Yes, indeed. There was excitement._

The door bell rang. Olivia felt her blood rush up her veins. It was time.

She walked to the door and turned the handle. There he was, all with his dark hair and that evil smile and those beautiful eyes that were just irresistible.

"Hi, Simon," Olivia said in a semi-seductive voice. "How are you lately?"

"Better than ever, actually," Simon said. The quirky grin that was plastered on his face proved that he was telling the truth.

They embraced each other. Olivia hugged Simon, first as a brother, then as a best friend, and then she looked into his eyes and saw him as a lover. She kissed him, and it was more passionate than any kiss she had ever tasted in her whole life. Simon kissed Olivia back. It felt incredible. Olivia forgot about all of her problems. She forgot about all of the cases that were troubling her soul. She forgot about Elliot and his family. She forgot about the law and she forgot that this was incest and oh yeah she was a _cop_.

Olivia brushed her hand against Simon's chin and looked into his eyes. "I'm afraid, Simon. But I love you. More than anything, I love you."

Simon kissed her. His breath traveled between her red lips and he whispered, "I love you too, Liv. Ever since you found me. Ever since I laid eyes on you. I was always in love with you."

Olivia smiled and led him into her apartment. She walked into the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of red wine. She reached for the handle of the mahogany cabinet and pulled out two crystal glasses. The night felt exotic and unreal. Was this really happening? Was Olivia really doing this?

She poured the wine and handed Simon a glass. _One._ She poured the wine again and brought the second glass to her lips. _Two. _She stopped. She looked Simon in the eyes and he knew exactly what she was thinking.

"Cheers," he said, and they clinked glasses before taking a sip. It ran in the blood, she guessed. It was genetic. Both of them knew that there was a right way to do this.

They stood there staring at each other, slowly sipping red vine and wondering why they felt the way they did and if there was some way they could justify what they were about today. _There wasn't, unless you could say that love was enough of a reason. They both knew it wasn't. But they wanted it to be. And who were they hurting, anyways, as long as Simon used a condom? They weren't hurting anyone._ Olivia took one last sip and put her glass down. She listened to the sound it made as it softly rubbed against toe counter. She took Simon's hand and together they walked into Olivia's bedroom.

Some people turned on there stereo and listened to music while they had sex. Some people lit candles. Some people were into all that romantic crap. Olivia wasn't. Well, not really. She left the lights off. Music and candles and lights were not what made something romantic. It was the feelings deep inside that made them who they were. It was trust and loyalty and dignity and a deep connection that only siblings could understand. Sometimes she felt that connection while working with Elliot. But this wasn't the right time to think about Elliot.

In other words, money can't make something romantic. Candles can't do shit. If it's not in you, it's not in you. Period. And if it is in you, well….enjoy it while you can, before it is torn away. Because often, it is. When Olivia was seventeen, her boyfriend raped her. She hadn't wanted to give away her virginity, but Hex had taken it away by force. She wouldn't be surprised if he was still out there, raping women. Sure, he was put away, but a perp can only be put away for so long, and Hex only received 15 years for date-rape. He was out by now.

"Are you sure about this?" Simon whispered. _**A/N: I don't exactly know how to describe sex because I'm a virgin, but I'll do my best.**_

Olivia nodded. She was sure. Olivia unbuttoned Simon's jeans while Simon untied the silk strand that tied her bathrobe together.

"I'm ready. I feel you," Olivia said, and maybe it was a corny thing to say, not the kind of thing she usually would say, but preparing to make love with your half-brother changes a person.

"I love you," Simon said.

Olivia pulled Simon's shirt off and pulled his body under her.

"You want to be on top?" Simon asked.

"Damn right I want to be on top."

They were both laughing. Laughing, and sweating, and smiling. Olivia moved her body over Simon's and placed her left hand on his chest. It felt almost surreal when they connected. It was amazing. It was out of this world, to be one being in two bodies. The feeling Olivia got might have been thrilling, but it was more than that, way more than that. She felt like everything was okay. She felt safe. She felt strong. She wanted to protect her little-brother forever. But he wasn't really her brother, not the way she felt about her … and he wasn't that much younger. She was 35; he was 31.

"I love you," Olivia whispered. "I'll never let anyone hurt you."

"You think I can't protect myself?"

"I'm sure you can," Olivia whispered. She was haunting herself. "But I want to protect you."

Olivia kissed Simon, and he kissed back. Both of them knew that this couldn't last forever. But this one night was incredible.

"What are those scars on your arm?" Simon asked.

Olivia hesitated. She felt a little nervous. She wasn't ready to tell Simon what she did. _Used__ to do. _'No, I'll probably do it again,' she thought to herself. 'Part of me doesn't want to but I know that I will.'

"I don't remember," Olivia said. "Just something from when I was a kid. Um, my mother always used to get drunk." Well, it wasn't really a lie. Her mother _had _been an alcoholic, and her mother _did_ hit Olivia from time to time whenever she came home from one of her bars drunk. But that wasn't what the scars were from.

"I'm sorry," Simon said. He already knew that her mother was dead. Olivia thought back to the conversation that night, the day after they met.

_(Flashback:_

"_So, um…your mother…the woman my father raped….um…how is she?" Simon said. Olivia could see that Simon was nervous. She felt it too._

"_She's dead."_

_Olivia listened as the rain splashed on the ivy vines that curled around toe exterior part of the coffee shop that they had agreed to meet at. It was dark out._

"_I'm sorry." Silence hovered in the air, until Simon built up the nerve to ask how it happened. "What…what happened?"_

"_Car accident," Olivia muttered. At that time she wasn't ready to tell Simon all of her secrets. They were still painful, and it was easier to ignore them and pretend that they weren't even real."_

_End of flashback)_

Olivia was lucky that Simon hadn't spotted the fresh ones. But she could only be lucky for so long. Olivia kissed Simon one more time before she pulled away, smiling as she brushed her hand against Simon's strong shoulder's.

She looked at her clock. The bright orange numbers flashed in her face. 12:36 a.m. Olivia closed her eyes. "Let's sleep. You can leave in the morning," Olivia said.

"No, I have to leave now. I have some work that I need to get done," Simon said.

Olivia nodded. "Okay, go. I love you."

Olivia grabbed her nightgown and listened as Simon told her that he loved her one more time and she watched as she walked out of her room. She followed him and waved good-bye like a silly little girl as he walked out the door.

Then she walked back to her room, alone. This night didn't really change anything. She was still alone. She was still Olivia Benson, the product of rape. She was still Olivia Benson, supposedly one of Cragen's best detectives, but sometimes she just didn't feel like she was accomplishing anything even though she was.

How could she make this right? There was only one way. _Punish herself. __**Cut.**_

Olivia walked into her bathroom and froze at the sight of her silver razor blade. It was calling her. 'You deserve it. You just slept with your brother,' the face in the mirror told her.

She talked back. 'But he loves me. It was mutual, so it's okay.'

The face in the mirror forced Olivia to shake her head. 'No, Olivia, it's still wrong. You're a cop; you should know better.'

'But he's only my half-brother.'

'_**Cut. NOW,' **_the face in the mirror said, and it was too convincing to resist.

'Fine, I give in, you're right,' Olivia said. She jabbed at her arm with the razor. She shoved it into her flesh. She wanted her skin to burn; she wanted the blood to drip down her skin. She deserved to suffer.

'Good. Cut your feelings for Simon away,' the face in the mirror said. It was very stong.

'I don't want to. I love Simon….'

'Do it. He's your brother; you're not supposed to love him that way.'

'_Half_ brother,' Olivia insisted.

But she dug the razor into her skin once again, anyways. She hated herself right now. Why had it come to this? Why was she talking to herself?

'I'm the stronger part of you, Olivia,' the face in the mirror said. 'You can't show your feelings. You have to be strong if you really want to make a difference.'

She knew that this hard part of herself was right. Still, she hated it. She felt the sudden urge to punch the mirror.

'I don't believe you,' Olivia said, even though she did.

'Even if you do it, Olivia, you'll still be you. You can shatter the mirror to pieces, but even if you can't see your face, it will still be there.'

'I don't care,' Olivia said. She was fuming now. She was sweating. Her arm was bleeding. There was too much blood this time. She listened to the impulse inside her head.

'Go ahead, punch me,' the face in the mirror said.

Olivia did. She punched the mirror with her fist, as hard as she could. She watched the shiny glass shatter. She watched the razor slip from her other hand and fall to the ground. She fell to the ground and cried.

Then she started to panic. There really was a lot of blood. She cut too deep…

She looked around and sighed in relief when she saw her cell phone. She dialed Elliot's number.

"Elliot…help me….I'm bleeding……"

_To be continued after 15 reviews…._


	4. Chapter 4

Elliot sat up in bed

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own the characters. And I don't own the songs I'm using in this chapter. Goo Goo Dolls does. Well, except I'm altering the lyrics a little bit.**

**Chapter 4**

Elliot sat up in bed. The sound of the phone ringing had woken him up. Yawning, Elliot reached for his cell phone and answered, "Hello…"

He heard Olivia's voice. It wasn't strong like it usually was. It was frail; barely there. "Elliot….help me…I'm bleeding."

"I'm coming," Elliot said as he jumped out of bed and threw on a shirt and replaced his pajama pants with an old pair of blue jeans. Why was Olivia bleeding? What had happened? Elliot wondered if someone had attacked her. 'No, she's a strong woman; she would have been able to defend herself.' But what if he had caught her of guard? No, she still would have managed. Then what was it?

Elliot hopped in his car and drove as fast as he could. He was probably going way over the speed limit, but at this point all he wanted to do was see Liv's face and make sure she was still breathing. He wanted to hold on to her and make her be okay. So, with the situation he was in, Elliot didn't give a shit that he was driving way over the speed limit.

_The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful  
Stop me and steal my breath  
And emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky  
Never revealing their depth  
Tell me that we belong together  
Dress it up with the trappings of love  
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips  
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above_

What happened to Olivia? Elliot started driving faster, but then he forced himself to slow down a little bit. It wouldn't do either of them any good if he crashed into a tree and died. If Olivia was dead when he arrived, maybe he _would _ crash into a tree. On purpose. Wait a minute, what the hell was he talking about?? Olivia wasn't going to be dead. 'She is strong. She is strong. But am I?'

Elliot pulled into Olivia's apartment complex and rushed in and ran up the stairs and rushed to Olivia's apartment. He rang the door, but nobody answered. "Olivia?!" he screamed. "Olivia?! Are you in there?" At first Elliot didn't hear anything. Then he listened more carefully. He heard the sound of Olivia moaning, "El…?" Her voice was barely there. Most people wouldn't here it.

"I'm coming in," Elliot said. Luckily, the door wasn't locked. She must have forgotten to lock it when she came home from work, or whenever she came home. He knew that sometimes she didn't come straight home.

Elliot followed the sound of Olivia's moaning. It led to her bathroom. Elliot was a strong person, he knew how to handle a lot of things, but nothing could have prepared him for what he saw next…his best friend….his partner…the only person who _really _understood him…lying on the floor with a blood-stained arm. Blood was splattered all over the mirror. The bathroom was a mess. Olivia was even more of a mess. Elliot sat down and shook Olivia. "Liv? Liv?" He felt for a pulse. He sighed…she was still breathing, albeit her breath was strained.

_I'll be your cryin' shoulder  
I'll be loves suicide  
I'll be better when I'm older  
I'll be the greatest man of your life  
_

"Elliot?" Olivia said.

Thank goodness she was still conscience.

"What happened, Liv?" Elliot asked. He was scared to ask the next question, but he had to. He didn't want to know, but he had to know. "Did you…did you do this to yourself?"

Olivia held onto the white wall and attempted to pull herself up. She didn't bother to look at the red blood stains she was making. She was out of breath, and she could really care less right now. She stumbled and fell down. So she tried again.

When she stumbled again, Elliot held his hand out to Olivia. He didn't really expect her to take it, as stubborn as she was, but she did. Olivia stood up and Elliot pulled her into a hug and then Olivia started crying. Then she spoke. It was barely a whisper, but it was the truth this time.

_And rain falls angry on the tin roof  
As we lie awake in my bed  
You're my Survival, You're my living proof  
My love is alive and not dead_

"Yes."

"Why?" Elliot asked in a soft voice.

"I don't want to talk about it," Olivia said. "But…I think I cut too deep. That's why I called."

Elliot looked at it. "There's still glass in it, Liv. What did you do?"

"I punched the mirror."

Olivia turned on the faucet and stuck her bleeding arm under the running water, but it still wouldn't stop bleeding. Olivia turned off the faucet and placed a washcloth on it, but she only reassured herself of her original assumption: she had cut too deep, and she probably had to go to the emergency room.

"It won't stop bleeding," Olivia said. She didn't look like the strong person she usually was. She collapsed, but didn't faint. Luckily, Elliot caught her.

_Tell me that we belong together  
Dress it up with the trappings of love  
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips  
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above_

"I'm taking you to the emergency room," Elliot said.

Olivia nodded weakly.

It was raining outside. Elliot helped Olivia into the car. That is, after she made him promise not to tell anyone at work about what happened or at least _how_ it happened. In her delirious state, Olivia forgot all about Simon lover boy. Simon didn't think twice about the scars. He believed her crappy lie. Elliot wouldn't have. Elliot knew Olivia too well. Simon didn't suspect anything. Simon wasn't the one that was here saving her. Elliot was, as much as she hated too admit it, as much as she knew that he would never let her live it down, that he had been the one to save her. That was the nature of their relationship, after all. Elliot was there for her, through the good and the bad. Good friends are better than good lovers.

_I'll be your cryin' shoulder  
I'll be loves suicide  
I'll be better when I'm older  
I'll be the greatest fan of your life_

Elliot drove as fast as he could. This time, his speed was without reserve. Olivia would survive. He was strong; he knew she could hold out. He knew she didn't really want to die. Olivia would never do that. Life was too important, and both of them had too many missions that they had yet to accomplish. 'What an ironic twist to justice', Elliot thought, 'The fact that there are still bad son-of-a-bitches out there tormenting the world is probably the only thing keeping Liv alive.' Elliot already knew that Olivia was raped when she was seventeen, but he had had no clue that she was in this much pain.

_And I've dropped out, I've burned up, I fought my way back from the dead  
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said_

"Liv?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah?"

"Are you hanging on?"

"Yeah," Olivia said.

"We're almost there," Elliot said.

"El?" Olivia asked

"Yeah?" Elliot replied.

Olivia thought about telling Elliot what happened. But then she changed her mind. It was too dangerous. It wasn't that she didn't trust Elliot. It was just that, this wasn't her, only it was. She was confused now. Maybe it was just because of all of the blood loss. She tried to convince herself it wasn't true. She wasn't really in love with Simon. But she was.

_I'll be your cryin' shoulder  
I'll be loves suicide  
I'll be better when I'm older  
I'll be the greatest fan of your life_

Elliot pulled into the driveway of the hospital. "We're here."

sososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososos

_  
_When Olivia woke up there was white all around her. For a second she thought that she had died and went to heaven, but when she saw the metal machines and tools she realized that she was in a hospital room. She groaned. She hoped she would be allowed out of here soon so she could go back to working on the cases. She looked around the room and couldn't help feeling useless, just lying there doing nothing. She was anxious to log the DNA samples into the computer to find out if the perp had a record. He probably did. No first-timer could have murdered that poor girl the way this bastard did. The incisions around the girl's breasts had been precise, which meant two things: one, he was experienced, and two, he was someone who was an expert on anatomy….probably a surgeon. But why would a surgeon want to chop of someone's breasts? The whole scenario just didn't make sense.

The door opened and a nurse walked in.

"Are you feeling alright?" the nurse asked.

Olivia didn't bother to answer. Instead, she said, "When am I getting out of here?"

"How did it happen?" the nurse asked.

"What?"

"How did it happen?"

"I'm a cop. Bastard got away while I was arresting him and knocked me out," Olivia said. She wasn't sure if the nurse believed her, but it didn't really matter as long as she got out of here.

"Am I getting out of here?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah, yeah. Just as soon as you fill out some paperwork. We put some stitches in your hand and bandaged it. In a couple of weeks you'll have to come back in to have the stitches removed," the nurse said.

After Olivia was finished filling out the paperwork for her discharge, she was free to go. She breathed in a sigh of relief as she signaled for a cab to pick her up. It all came crashing back down on her, though, as she stepped into the cab and handed the driver a five-dollar bill. Elliot knew. He didn't know that she had sex with Simon, but he knew that she cut herself. If she had to choose between which of the two secrets to tell Elliot, she didn't think she would have been able to. She guessed that fate chose for her.

Back at her apartment, she freshened up and then headed down to the precinct. A little bit of blood and taboo sex wasn't going to stop her. It wasn't going to hold her back. She was going to get the evidence she needed to convict the bastard perp.


	5. Chapter 5

When the phone rang, Olivia knew by instinct that it was Elliot

When the phone rang, Olivia knew by instinct that it was Elliot. She hesitated before answering, but in the end she gave in and answered.

"Detective Benson," Olivia said.

As soon as Olivia heard the gruff voice, she knew that she had been wrong – it wasn't Elliot. She quickly went into cop mode. "Who are you and how did you get my cell phone number?"

Olivia heard the man breathing into the phone. For a second she thought he had hung up, but then he spoke in a low, sinister voice. "I have another victim. You or her." Then he hung up.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Olivia forwarded the message to Elliot and drove over to the precinct. Who did he have, and who was he? She couldn't let him rape or kill another innocent woman. Why did he call? But inside she knew, he wanted to antagonize the police….make them stressed so they would have a harder time doing their job.

For 8 p.m., it was pretty dark outside. Olivia walked into the building that was the precinct. She wanted to catch the bastard.

"Liv…" Elliot said.

"Elliot…the bastard called me, and then hung up."

"I know, you forwarded the call to me."

"Maybe he will call again and we can pick up a trace," Olivia said.

"Go home, you just got out of the hospital," Elliot said.

"No way," Olivia said. "I'm working this case. I'm going to find him."

"Liv, he threatened you."

"I don't care, I'm going to catch him."

"I won't let you use yourself as bate," Elliot said. What he didn't say out loud, Olivia knew he was thinking. She knew that Elliot was thinking of the time Olivia had gone undercover as Kat in Sealsview and had almost gotten raped by one of the guards.

"I didn't say anything about using myself as bate," Olivia said.

"Who's to say he won't go after you?"

"I don't care; it's my job to stop him," Olivia said. The amount of determination in her voice was astounding. Elliot knew Olivia. She was stubborn. Once she set her mind to something, there was no stopping her, no matter how much he wanted to; no matter how painfully his heart cried out to save her. But Olivia was a detective, and it was her job. Both of them had chosen this. Elliot and Olivia were good partners, and in reality Elliot was never going to stop her.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Cragen decided that in order to get leads, a press release would be the best option. It also might make the chances of the perp calling back more likely. They needed to get a trace in order to determine who he is.

"I'll do it," Elliot said.

Cragen said that if a woman was the one delivering the news, the perp would feel less intimidated and more likely to call.

"I'll do it," Olivia said.

"Are you sure?" Elliot asked.

"Yes," Olivia said.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The TV equipment was set up for the press release. The reporter was holding a microphone, which Olivia spoke into, alerting the public about the perp and giving a phone number to call if they have seen anything or if someone they know is missing.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**Later that day**

Once Olivia was home, she dialed Simon's number. "Hi, Simon," Olivia said.

"Hey Liv," Simon said. "I saw you on the press release today. Looking hot, babe."

"Shut up," Olivia joked.

"Anyways, I was wondering if you wanted to go out to dinner with me and get drinks?" Simon asked.

Olivia did want to take her mind off of the case and the perp's semi-threat. Sighing, Olivia said, "Sure, just let me get ready. Pick me up in half an hour."

Little did either of them know, someone was listening into the phone call.


	6. Chapter 6

**Ch.6**

It was dark outside. Olivia stood outside staring at the pale moon wondering if she should meet Simon like she said she would. In the end she decided that it couldn't hurt. She didn't have to tell anyone. Fiery passion invaded her body and she entered her car and drove to the bar that she and Simon had arranged to meet at.

The flashing red digits on her car's clock said that it was 11:23 p.m. It was late, but she worked late. Normally, she stayed at the precinct even later. Listening to her music she immersed herself in all of the possibilities. Maybe if she indulged in her desire to be with Simon she wouldn't have to cut anymore. Then again, she had cut after that other night with Simon, but that had been more to….well, punish herself….but now she was more in tune with her desires and it really wasn't that bad. It wasn't like they were hurting anyone. Both of them wanted it. It was **consensual**.

Olivia pulled up in the parking lot and pulled the key out of the ignition. From afar she saw the slim silhouette of a dark-haired man. Her instincts told her that it was Simon, and, like usual, her instincts were right.

"Hey, sexy," Simon said as Olivia walked towards him.

"Hey yourself," Olivia said, using the voice she used whenever she was flirting (which wasn't that often).

They had lemonade and then drove back to Olivia's place. It was as if one candle collapsed and ignited a huge flame, and there was no way to dodge the heat, and even though it was painful, it was damn beautiful.

"You want something to eat?" Olivia asked, walking towards her refrigerator.

"Sure," Simon said, and the two siblings sat at Olivia's small dining room table nibbling at orange slices while sipping ice-water.

"Let's make strawberry smoothies," Simon suggested.

"What?" Olivia said. "It's like, 1 a.m. in the morning!"

"So?" Simon said, grinning. "You do have strawberries, right?"

And so the two lovebirds ended up making strawberry smoothies together at 1 a.m. in the morning, laughing at each other's stupid jokes and living out the spontaneity that neither of them was really that good at.

"You have strawberry on your lips," Simon said, kissing her and tasting strawberry love potion. "Mmmm, delicious," Simon said. Olivia laughed and kissed him back.

Olivia poured two glasses of the strawberry smoothie they had just made and they sat down at that same table again, sipping strawberry smoothies while staring into each others' eyes.

Then Simon said, "What is that on your arm?"

Olivia was silent. She stared at her tile floor. Simon put his hand on Olivia's shoulder and looked into Olivia's eyes.

"Did you do that to yourself?" Simon asked, breaking the silence.

Shaking, Olivia nodded.

"Why?" Simon asked. Most people never even bothered to ask why. But that was okay because most of the time Olivia didn't have a reason.

"I don't know," Olivia said.

"Don't do it again," Simon said.

"I won't," Olivia said.

"Promise me," Simon said.

"I promise," Olivia said.

And then they cleaned their glasses and went back to Olivia's bedroom to finish off the night of fiery passion.

**To Be Continued….**


End file.
